Personal Style in Motherhood
My thoughts on The Idea of You movie, and why getting dressed and putting effort into what you wear matters
In this week’s newsletter:
My wide spectrum of reactions to the Idea of You movie release
Thoughts on how things that women love (including, but not limited to, romance novels, steamy fiction, fashion, and personal style), are often diminished
Why it’s so important to me to get dressed every day, and how I believe it makes me a better version of myself, including a better mom
Outfit formulas I plan to wear on repeat this spring and summer
If you’d like to skip straight to the style portion, you can find the pieces highlighted here.
Put a finger down if you did a little dance when it was finally confirmed that the book, “The Idea of You,” would be adapted as a movie & the release date was published. Now put one down if you had the release date scheduled into your calendar. Put one down if you watched all the trailers and sneak peeks on social media. Put one down if you watched it on release day or this weekend. Put one down if you were surprised, confused, disappointed, or bummed, about the ways that certain aspects of the book were translated into the movie?
I have no fingers left, so I can’t put one down to say, I still loved it!
I know a lot of us had mixed feelings because, on Friday night, when I posted a picture of the opening scene on my Instagram page sharing that I was so excited to watch, and also, that I hadn’t pictured Solene driving a Subaru (or planning a camping trip for that matter), over 40 people responded saying, “that was my first thought too!” (FYI that we are agreed that Solene gives off more of a Mercedes/Range Rover/black SUV vibe).
For any film adaptation, there’s always going to be a hot take - someone is going to love it, someone is going to hate it. Particularly for a story like this one. People will criticize readers & viewers (especially women) for having the gall to enjoy a book like this and share that enjoyment publicly, to mock the premise of the book/movie - that a woman in her 40s could be the love interest of a man in his 20s, and of course criticize the fit of the talent for the characters. (I’m referring specifically to the Cut article, which led me to conclude that the writer did not actually read the book, OR came to entirely different conclusions from reading the book that I, or anyone I’ve ever talked to about or heard discuss the book had. Let’s not forget that in the book Solene is described as having a killer wardrobe featuring pieces by Isabel Marant, Saint Laurent, The Row, and Jason Wu. As their relationship is just starting, Hayes explains how he helped a maitre’d recognize Solene when she meets him for lunch at the Beverly Hills Hotel saying, “I told him I was meeting a friend, and that she had dark hair and haunting eyes and would probably be dressed very well. That she looked like a classic movie star. And that she had a great mouth." So yeah, not going to give much justice to the people who criticize how good Anna Hathaway looks (Amazing by the way, I love her!)). That’s just the way it goes with stories like these.
Anyway, this isn’t a critique. As I said, I knew going into watching the movie that there would be a million perspectives. Not everyone can be happy. But, this is an important movie because it’s an important book. As Solene puts it so aptly (I have this highlighted in my Kindle version of the book), “We have this problem in our culture. We take art that appeals to women—film, books, music—and we undervalue it. We assume it can’t be high art. Especially if it’s not dark and tortured and wailing. And it follows that much of that art is created by other women, and so we undervalue them as well. We wrap it up in a pretty pink package and resist calling it art.”
I remember reading this passage and thinking to myself YES. Yes, yes, yes. No one, not a single person (well except maybe me) gives my husband any crap about watching YouTube videos of groups of men playing golf. Or about the frenzy that comes along with NFL season and Fantasy Football. Women going shopping, on the other hand, the butt of hundreds of thousands of memes.
The thing about books turning into movies that…well, first of all, it’s the best. That feeling when you find out that a book you love is becoming a movie — that all the texts back and forth with your friends about how they should make it a movie, no a mini-series, no a movie, and who should be cast in each role? They went out in the universe and somehow, somewhere, got picked up and it’s happening.
The other thing, that I think we sometimes forget, - is that the creation of the film version is a complete creative endeavor in and of itself. So, of course, it’s not going to be exactly the same. And depending on the creative team, there might be many differences or few differences. We are craving two things when we get excited about a book turning into a movie — we want the creative interpretation AND the film version of exactly how we pictured each scene in the book in our heads.
Because yes, there were a lot of things that were different about the movie because they weren’t how I imagined them (the craftsman bungalow vs. the modern mid-century home, the teenage vs. pre-teen daughter, the Subaru, amongst others), but it was still so fun and happy and wonderful and I ended up loving some of the creative differences. Solene’s wardrobe was more bohemian than I imagined, but it worked, and I certainly didn’t imagine finding a big open cardigan and cropped wide-leg pant attractive on a man, but, here we are! (And HELLO?!?!?!? I won’t spoil anything but did that ending make my heart sing OR WHAT!)
I can’t wait to watch it again! I’m sure there are more details that I’ll pick up on and love. One thing about me is that I love a comfort movie. I love to watch a movie on repeat. I love knowing what’s going to happen. When I’m alone, or have the opportunity to choose what I’m going to watch on TV by myself, 9.9 times out of 10, I’m picking something I’ve watched before (It’s Complicated, Something’s Gotta Give, Pitch Perfect, The Inter, No Strings Attached, Emily in Paris— btw these are also my maternity leave movie recommendations - perfect movies for your postpartum self!)
As I geared up to watch the movie this week and thought about how much I loved the book not only for the escapism and romance and fantasy of it, but also for the themes it brings up, I thought a lot about that quote from Solene, and this idea of feeling ashamed about something because it’s something that appeals to women, or it’s something that is considered “silly” or “unserious.”
That notion in general is something I think a lot about — what do people think of me when they find out that I love fashion, style, clothes, and getting dressed? Both in the context of being someone who is a professional in the corporate world, and as a mother of three. Whether or not I believe it, or the people I am surrounded by believe it, I have a hard time shaking deeply seeded insecurities and societal messages about how others perceive my love of fashion. (And when it’s not insecurity, it’s a cringe, or embarrassment about bringing this it up).
A couple of weeks ago, I re-shared a letter I wrote last fall called, “I’m a Better Mom When I like my Outfit,” and, wow, it resonated with so many of you! Last fall I also wrote a guest post on Liza' Belmonte’s newsletter,
, which you can read here (PS: you need to be a paying subscriber to Liza’s newsletter - her writing, her style, her finds, her advice, truly amazing), that explores a similar topic.So I thought I would dive into this more, and share some ways I want to update my fall/winter uniforms for the warmer weather (please, spring, please come, can you hear me?? we’re desperate for weather over 55 degrees!)
I am a lifelong lover of style and fashion. I love getting dressed, and helping other people find things that fit their style. I take great care in the outfits I create, and I lean into personal style as a way to express who I am, how I am feeling (and maybe even how I want to feel) and how I want to be seen.
When you feel great about what you’re wearing, you can turn your day around, or steer it in a certain direction from the start. You can focus better, do your job better, or maybe just trick yourself into feeling better when you’re having an ick day. For me, putting on a great outfit and feeling my best is no different from how I feel better when I move my body every day, or eat foods that give me energy. These are a part of how I take care of myself and feel good, all of which contribute to how I show up in all areas of my life.
I think everyone should wear clothes they love and that make them feel great. Style is so special because it looks a little different for each of us. I am continually figuring out what that means for me - it’s an ongoing refinement and curation of who I am and how I want to express myself to the world. The constant is that I feel my best when I am wearing something that I love, that fits, feels great, and feels authentic to me.
It is hard to think of a dimension of my life that has not been impacted by motherhood. A mom is simultaneously everything that I am, and also just a part of who I am. That feels a little weird to put down on paper. I love my kids with my entire being. I can hardly carry on a conversation with anyone without gushing about them. I’m sure it’s very annoying. And at the same time, I crave and cherish moments when I can feel like my individual self, when I can do things and think about things that have nothing to do with my kids or the responsibilities of parenthood. When I feel my best, I’m a better everything, including a better mom.
You might think it sounds silly, but getting dressed, picking out an outfit, getting ready, taking care of my clothes and wearing pieces that I have carefully selected because they feel like me - that is one way that I stay connected to myself, to Christina, through all the other (beautiful!) chaos that is the reality of life with three small children.
What is always surprising to me, is how surprised people are when I show up the way that I do in the world. I am not very fancy, but I do put thought and care into the outfits that I wear, and if I have my baby with me, or someone finds out that I have three small kids, they will exclaim, “but you look so nice!” As if the expectation that because I’m a mother of small children I should look…bad? That I should have no time to take care of myself when I have a baby / toddler / child / am pregnant / or postpartum.
Don’t get me wrong, the compliment is welcome - I appreciate it, and I make it a habit to tell others that they look great, or notice a particularly eye-catching outfit. But the way the comment is delivered has an underlying implication that people expect me to look like I have no time to take care of myself when I have a baby / toddler / child / whatever.
Getting dressed when you are pregnant, and postpartum, and even once you are through the postpartum phase and into toddlerhood, can be really hard. Any time your body changes in a way you cannot control, it is hard to get dressed. Any time your daily routine changes (as it does so frequently with young children), it is hard to get dressed.
And yet I have found that it is during transitions – literal and figurative ones – and during times when things feel out of control - that getting dressed and feeling good about what I am wearing is more important than ever.
When I went back to work this winter after having my third baby, I didn’t feel ready, I felt really, really sad about not being able to spend my whole day with my baby. And so, I picked out the outfits I would wear each day of my first week back to work. I was excited to wear each of them. And I got up every morning, and got ready for work in an easy, pre-selected outfit that made me feel incrementally better.
Right now, we are approaching that baby’s first birthday. That feels impossible and amazing and also, sad - in the sense that it’s a closing of a chapter. She is probably our last baby. It’s hard for me to think about because I love babies, and the thought of that phase being over makes me sad. But, one thing that I am celebrating is that I feel more like myself than I have in a long time - physically, my body is feeling more normal, I’m still nursing a little but I’m not pumping, and the end of having what I wear limited by the functionality of whether or not I can comfortably nurse or pump in it is glorious. Hello dresses, I’ve missed you. Wearing things that I haven’t worn since before I was pregnant with her feels really great.
Clothes do matter! I would challenge anyone to try to put on something that makes you feel *great* - what that is different for every person - and it doesn’t have to be fancy. I bet that when you wear something that you feel great about, that you feel like yourself in, that makes you feel confident and comfortable in your own skin, that gives you that full body yes - you will agree - it’s a GREAT feeling.
And it is hard to figure out what to wear that will make you feel great. Partially because it takes some personal reflection which I find to both be hard to do in general and hard to find/make the time to do. And because we are so inundated with trends and products and pressure to buy new things that are literally a single click away. We have purchase pressure overload!
The reality is, that most people with a great sense of style are following their own uniform(s). And we admire and lust after their style and taste! It doesn’t mean your outfits are boring. It doesn’t mean you wear the same thing every day (we’re not talking Steve Jobs uniform here). It doesn’t mean you only have X number of pieces in your closet, or only buy certain colors, or have to have a capsule or minimalist wardrobe.
If you’re struggling to figure out what to wear everyday, a few tips:
You don’t need that much stuff. We often think more is more, but actually, (and especially if you’re struggling with what to wear), less is more. I’m not suggesting you throw everything out or start from scratch, but a shift to the mindset that having a few outfits is all you need might really help.
Follow people on Instagram whose style you admire. But, don’t just buy products they recommend, or pieces they’re wearing right away. Instead, screenshot the outfits they wear that you love and see if you can create them at home with things you already have.
Take the time to poke around in your closet and try a few things. Do it the next time your kids take a nap, or when you have a spare 20 minutes around your house. Create a couple of outfits and take pictures of them. Keep them organized together in your closet. Then, you automatically have something great to put on. You’ve created an outfit roster that you can pull from the next time you need it!
Practice!!! Practice makes perfect and just like any muscle or skill, style & getting dressed takes work. Don’t wait for the perfect occasion to get dressed, put on an outfit the next time you have to dash out to run an errand, or take a zoom meeting, or go pick up takeout, or go grab a coffee. It’s the practice of getting dressed for all these little micro-occasions that make it easier.
Getting dressed is self-care. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It doesn’t mean you have to buy all new things. If you need some ideas, here are some outfit formulas that I follow all-year-round, refreshed for Spring and warmer weather. These are the outfits I will reach for time and time again - they make me feel great, like I can do whatever I need to do on a given day, and they don’t require a ton of thought or fuss.
Look #1: Jeans + White Tee + Sandals + Tote
Is there anything better than a great pair of jeans and a crisp white t-shirt? I think not. It’s one of my favorite outfits to wear, on repeat, as soon as the temps warm up. If you’re chilly, throw on a sweater or a denim overshirt.
Look #2: White Pants + Easy Button Down + Sneakers + Stain Stick
As the weather warms up, it’s nice to have a non-Jean alternative (plus, I’ve been inspired by lots of non-denim pants this season, and this is one of my favorite ways to style them - with a breezy button down. I love my kick flares, and white feels so fresh for the warmer temps, just, you know, pop a stain stick in that crossbody. If you want something looser (and not white), a breezy linen pair is a great option.
Look #3: Maxi Skirt + Tee + Sweatshirt (+ Vest to transition to evening)
A maxi skirt is a great way to wear something other than pants or shorts, but still be able to move freely, and not fuss over a shorter hemline (something that is essential for me when I’m out with my kids). It feels feminine, but practical. I am drawn to both ends of the spectrum with skirts - I love the idea of pairing them with a sweatshirt and sneakers for an easy weekend look, or with lady jackets, or waistcoats and ballet flats for something slightly more dressed up.
Look #4: Bike Shorts + Oversized Shirt + Socks + Sneakers
Go from from the gym to whatever you’re doing on the weekend without needing to do a full outfit change. Or, wear this to go for a walk, or hike, or just hang! This would also look great with just a big oversized sweatshirt like this one.
Look #5: Midi Dress + Light Jacket + Sandals
Midi dresses are great closet workhorses because they can be super casual and non-fussy in the daytime (you’re not going to be fussing with your hemline, unable to sit down, or have to worry about the skirt blowing up), but you can also wear it dressed up for an evening out. Wear this during the day with a lady jacket and casual sandals, and just make a few changes for your evening out!
Look #6: Short Sleeved Lady Jacket + Jeans + Sandals + Pops of Color
This is an outfit you could wear for work, for lunch or dinner out, for an evening on the town, or to run around and do errands. Change things out by swapping for any of your favorite accessories, or a different pair of shoes.
Thank you so much for reading! I hope this gives you lots of inspiration and ideas for outfits you can wear on repeat for the next six months.
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So excited to watch this! For a while I was a little bored of Anne Hathaway, but so glad she’s back.
I’m just coming out of maternity leave with NO idea what to wear. Still breastfeeding so… button downs all day I guess.