You'll laugh about this later

and the many, many paradoxes of parenting

If you want to go straight to the shopping, you can do that here.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I were out for a run and pushing our kids in the jogging stroller. It’s something we do most weekends when the weather allows, so it’s an activity our kids are very used to. Recently, our 3-year-old, who is developing increasingly strong opinions of his own, started voicing his point-of-view as to the route we should take while running, specifically about the landmarks we should pass (and the order in which we should pass them). On this particular morning, we had gone right around a loop when Ellis wanted to go left, and he was…how do you say…PISSED. Basically scream-crying at the top of his lungs, yelling that he wanted us to turn around and go a different way. Most of the time we do just turn around and follow whatever directions he provides us because at the end of the day, we’re getting in a run all together and it’s hard to complain about how exactly it goes down. On this morning, however, we had just gotten off a tight sidewalk squeeze where there were puddles and several people walking, and I just didn’t want to backtrack. So, we powered through. But pretty quickly, one crying toddler turned into two crying kids and it was clear they were pretttyyyy unhappy. A man doing yard work in his front yard watched us as we went by pushing 50+ lbs, hoofing it, and soothing the kids as best we possibly could and said, “I know it’s hard to believe it right now, but you’re going to laugh about this in the future.”

Vinny and I just sort of looked at each other, smiled and waved back to him - saying, “we know you’re right!” And, the truth is - we were laughing. Short of loosing your sh*t, (which, let’s face it, sometimes I do, but I actually do pride myself on having incredible patience with my kids, specifically during meltdowns), that’s usually the only option for how to handle those moments. By “those moments,” I mean, the times when your kids are just loosing their minds and there is nothing you can do to reason with them about it. (If you are currently or have recently parented a toddler, I assume you can relate). Or, in the moments, when you realize that your kids are not little robots that behave exactly the way we want them to at all times (which you have realized over and over again from the moment that you brought your baby home from the hospital, but no parenting book, or how to prepare for baby class really warned you about!) and instead have real actual feelings that they have to learn about and then also learn how to process and manage and live with. You either find the humor, or you explode.

This memory is sort of a silly example, but I have come back to it over and over again in the past few weeks, because the point the guy was trying to make, and something that I have received as advice over and over again to the point that it has started to feel like a cliche, is the idea that someday we will miss when they are little.

The paradox of parenting is that the stuff you wish away…someday you’re going to mourn that it’s gone.

The stuff that feels hard, unending and maybe even impossible when you are living in it is mostly likely to be the thing that you are going to look back on and yearn for. Like most cliches, white it can be annoying advice to receive and the most impossible to believe, it is deeply routed in the truth. Saying it doesn’t make it any easier. Even as I go through hard, demanding and exhausting periods with my kids, I know I am going to miss these moments when they physically need me so much. When they want to snuggle with me and read 10 books before bed even when I’m exhausted. When I’m trying to wean my youngest but also heartbroken that we’re moving on from the breastfeeding phase.

It reminds me of a line from the best book about motherhood, marriage and parenting that I have ever read (the book is ‘To Have and To Hold by Molly Millwood’). A line that my husband and I repeat to each other over and over again: “Kids deliver home runs.” (Now I’m actually panicking that I’m misquoting this line and I can only find my iPhone note from when I listened to the book on Audible several years ago, but I’ll explain the concept). The idea is that in the day-to-day of being a parent of kids, we deal with a lot of small conflicts and tasks over and over again that can be frustrating or challenging, but they’re small in scale. Best case, these are mundane, small things, worst case, they can make you want to pull your hair out - like when your toddler is having a full on meltdown when you also need to get out the door. But the thing about all these day-to-day experiences is that eventually, probably pretty soon, your kid is going to do or say something that is going to knock you off your feet. And that, that hilarious comment they made, or their adorable gesture, or moment of pure love between siblings that you get the chance to observe — that is the home run.

That’s what you’re going to remember when you reflect back on this season of life and it’s those moments that make all the mundane, challenging and stressful moments worth it. The home run is the memory you’ll jot down in the baby book (or in the notes app of your iPhone).

It’s not just that I’m going to miss this eventually, but that my memory of these things are going to change over time - and I’ll have the clearest memories of the home runs, the sweet moments, the pure love. At the same time, the really long, exhausting days, the tantrums, the rejection of meals, the inability to sit still, the messes, etc. will become fuzzier around the edges — so not only will we laugh about those moments, it will be harder to put our finger on what was so hard about it, or why it sometimes felt like you were one chaotic moment away from loosing your mind. In her book, Millwood calls this the “fog happiness.” In other words, we’ll remember the highlight reel - and even if it includes tough things, they loose their toughness over time.

I’m not sure if knowing these things or even experiencing them makes it any better or easier in the moment. For example, I can’t recall if the second time I gave birth I thought to myself - well, it’ll be over soon and that actually helped the scenario (actually, can say with a fair amount of confidence that that knowledge definitely didn’t help make it easier at all!) But, I do try to keep it in mind, especially when things are great and we’re all having fun - that’s what I’m going to remember, that’s what fills my cup as a parent - not the inevitable tough, hair-pulling moment that might be a minute or hours away.

And I guess that’s just how we get through anything that has its hard moments. You remember the good, the perfect moments, when things are hard. Perspective…I think that’s called? Motherhood, or parenthood, like so many other things in life, is not so simple as to be all good. Nothing is - right? Whenever I hear women (or parents) brave enough to talk openly about the challenges of parenthood and the fact that even though we love our children with our entire beings and cannot imagine life without them, we still have moments where we are driven to our limits, or wish desperately that we could have a day off or a big break - I’m always struck by the people who criticize and shame them for vocalizing those feelings. Is everything all good for them? I mean, I love my husband and am eternally grateful that he is my partner and for everything he does, but occasionally, I need time alone, or he annoys the crap out of me. And the same goes for him with me. It’s normal, it’s human to need, want, count down the moments until, a break. But then, when you look back on it - the things that stand out won’t be the times you needed a break, the exhaustion, the frustration, it will be all the great moments, the moments where you laughed hysterically or just had so much fun.

So, I know I’m going to laugh about all of this later. And I’m going to miss this later. And I’m going to do the best I can to enjoy the great moments, have perspective in the hard, and take breaks and time to myself whenever the heck I can!

Phew!

Now, just a lot of things I have loved, screen-shotted, pinned or added to an online shopping cart recently.

Doen Dress - I love this simple blue dress - looks like you could throw it on and feel completely put together, and would also work for fun summer/early fall events.

Gold Sandals - Super chic.

White Jumpsuit - So chic, but just not sure yet where I am wearing it!

Navy Dress - Really loving navy right now, and I love the back on this dress - makes it really special, but still a classic silhouette.

Navy Jumpsuit - So chic for a wedding or rehearsal dinner this summer!

Linen Dress - Over the past several months I’ve been adding more color and pattern to my closet, which I have been loving, but I still love a simple neutral, I think there are simple linen dress is such a closet staple that I would reach for over and over again as the temperatures increase. This would also look great with a navy blazer!

Floral Shirtdress - A great dress if you’ll be in your office this summer.

White Dress - I saw last year’s version of this dress on Liz Adams and haven’t stopped thinking about it since. I love everything Emerson Fry does, and this is no exception, I really love this and it’s at the top of my wishlist.

Visor - Taking sun protection very seriously this summer and considering adding this cool visor to my closet.

Purple Knit Top - This would look incredible with white jeans or high-waisted linen trousers!

High-Waist Wide-Leg Jeans - Mango’s response to the beloved Marine Leg jean. I can’t stop wearing my white Zara pair and definitely want to add a blue denim pair to my collection, so I’m thinking about trying these ones out!

Espadrilles - I have several pairs of shoes from Castaner, and I love them all - beautiful and comfortable, which is the best combination!

Frames - I got these as a mother’s day gift and they are very lovely!

Black Sandals - Still searching for my pair of black strappy sandals for the summer and these caught my eye!

Ribbed Bodycon Dress - Another summer staple!

Beaded Necklace - I have been seeing colorful beaded necklaces so much lately and I love them. I need to go to my old bedroom at my parents house and dig through my old jewelry to find something just like this that I used to have in high school!

Mille Floral Dress - Add to the list of color that I can’t get enough of (and the smocking!)

Gold Sandals - Another great simple summer sandal that you could wear with almost everything!

White Tee - You can never have too many white t-shirts and the lacy sleeves are a fun detail on this one!

Fringe Bag - Not particularly practical, but a very fun bag for the summer!

Floral Wide Leg Pants - These are so fun! I think a pair of pants like this are such a great summer wardrobe piece because you can wear them with a simple t-shirt after a day at the beach, or with a silky top and heels for a night out!

White Sneakers - Great pair of simple white sneakers are a summer essential!

Floral Dress - A great dress for the summer heat.

Top and Short Set - This is such a cute pattern - it would be great to wear to the beach as a cover up, or also out for a day of shopping or sightseeing, if you have a vacation coming up!

Woven Hat - I’m taking sun protection seriously this summer, and this hat has great coverage, is customizable and has a strap to keep it on your head even if its windy!

Tiered Dress - Beautiful dress for summertime!

Pearl Woven Bag - Not sure if this is any more practical, but I really love it. I just scooped it up for myself for this summer and will report back!

Candle - I have been shopping for some small accents for our house recently, so there are a lot of small things that are on my radar this week! Love this on top of a stack of books!

Floral Jumpsuit - This looks like an incredible throw on and go piece that would withstand the heat!

Floral Shorts - This little set is so adorable. The shorts alone are also so cute if you (like me), aren’t sure whether that crop it too short! I’m going to a golf tournament next month (who am I?) and I’m thinking these would be cute with a white polo for that type of event!