What do you wear when you're not feeling your best?
because sometimes your outfit is your coat of armor.
I want to write so badly about spring style, trends, the things on my shopping list, (and I will!) but, let me tell you that as someone with a March birthday (an aries!), I am deeply familiar with the cruelty of the month of March. When retailers shift to resort and then spring styles when we are still in the depths of winter, I am called to those pieces, don’t get me wrong - but, I also know that it will be ages before I will wear them. Buying ahead is smart! BUT, there is always something niggling in the back of my mind preventing me from actually being ready to make any purchases or thinking strategically about what I’m most excited about for the upcoming season. So, I just haven’t quite felt the spring inspiration that I need to dive into the season, and talk about bringing in color, layering, transitional dressing — all the types of things that I am usually so excited to think about when spring is on the horizon (I know it technically is spring, but also, we had fake spring and now we’re back to winter again).
In general, while ideas are abundant, I have had a pretty big dip in inspiration recently. On top of the chill that has settled back in on Massachusetts (it’s a cold, rainy day as I’m writing this, capping off a cold and blustery week), I had a very hard and weird week. A hard and weird couple of weeks, actually.
Honestly, my whole plan in writing today was to leave it at that. There are a lot of things making the past few weeks hard and weird - a combo of being busy at work, a round of layoffs that impacted a number of my peers at work, being sick of having to get everyone bundled up constantly every time we want to go outside. And all of these things together have made me not feel like thinking about what I’m wearing.
I wasn’t going to share anything more about what is going on right now because, frankly, it is something that has been nearly impossible to talk about. When I do talk about it, I am either very nearly hysterical, or I am talking about it almost outside my body looking in - creating a degree of separation so that I can discuss the facts of what is going on.
And then, as I was nursing my youngest before putting her down to bed this weekend, I scrolled my phone and got caught up on the backlog of amazing newsletters that I never have quite as much time as I would like to read. And, as luck might have it, the first newsletter that I clicked on was “What I Put on Today” by
(one of my favorites). It’s called, “Re: No Subject; A Saturday Essay on Being Human” and you should read it.I could quote the entire thing, but this jumped off the page at me:
"I have learned that, as women, we are getting dressed in good times and in bad. In today’s world, as humans share more of themselves on social media, there is little context speaking to what is going on in peoples personal lives. Here’s a link to my coat. I’m going through of x, y, z.”
And it reminded me - that instead of just telling you that I haven’t been feeling creative, I haven’t been feeling like trying things on, I haven’t been feeling that excited about getting dressed - I might also tell you why.
The reason why is that my mom, my beautiful, amazing, wonderful, charismatic mom, has been suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, and it has progressed to the point where we had to make the (impossible) decision to move her into an assisted living facility. That happened this week.
Dementia has been impacting my life, and my family’s life for years now. First slowly, and in small ways that were hard to put your finger on. Hard to tell if it was something or nothing. Hard to know how to bring it up. A reason to be concerned, or an overreaction. And now, it is profoundly impacting our lives - it feels very much like there is no part of my life untouched.
There is so much that I could go into here. So much to process, unpack, speak, and document. And maybe I will - it’s hard to navigate because it’s not only a consideration of what I want to share and write, the emotions I am ready to unpack, but also one of navigating privacy. There are so many different kinds of grief and ways of losing people. And this way, this way of losing someone who is still there, but also not there, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, is, like all grief, profoundly hard. My (our) experience with the disease is not like what I have seen portrayed in TV and movies - there have not been stretches of confusion and lost memories dotted with moments of pure lucidity where she comes fully back to us, but instead a darkening haze - it’s getting murkier and murkier, with moments of extra confusion that sometimes eases, sometimes becomes the new normal, but never lifts.
Something that I have learned is that talking about this - and by this, I mean dementia, Alzheimer’s, cognitive decline, and changes - is very hard. For me, yes, but also for many others. It’s hard for me part because I am angry, part because I am scared, part because I don’t know how to bring it up, and part because if I do it feels like the only thing I’ll do is lose it. It’s hard for others, because (amongst many other reasons) there seems to be a lot of shame tied up with this disease.
So, for now, I’ll share with you that I am going through a very hard time, and I feel very weird. Clothes, fashion, and style are an interest and passion of mine, but they are also an escape. And what is interesting, is that I still do care about what I’m wearing, because sometimes, an outfit is a coat of armor. Getting dressed, getting ready, and putting on an outfit that I love, are ways that I feel my best, or, right now, trick myself into feeling a little bit better when I need to. It’s a way to feel comfortable and good enough to focus on the things that matter on any given day.
I haven’t been feeling creative, I haven’t been feeling excited by what’s in my closet, and I haven’t even been very excited about anything new (lots of scrolling but very few things I’m actually considering purchasing!)
So, what do you wear when you don’t want to think about what you’re going to wear, but you could really use the boost that comes with a good outfit?
For me, this is where my go-tos come into play. The things you put on autopilot - you don’t think about it, you don’t stress about it, you know you can pull these things on and it will just work.
Sometimes, it’s a specific outfit (like, your favorite little black dress that you always have ready to go for an impromptu date night or event with a cocktail dress code.) It could be a formula you follow (like, jeans, a button down, and a sweater over your shoulders), or, it could be a specific piece you love and know you can put on and feel great, and build the rest of your outfit around that piece.
For me, it’s a combination of all those things - depending on the day, and the thing that is going on.
Read on for some of the things that have helped me get through the past few weeks, and know that, if you too are going through something hard right now, I’m right there with you, and I’m thinking of you.
Thanks to incredible babysitters, and the support of extended family, my husband and I have had the chance to go out twice in the past month - two more times than we had in the preceding months of 2024. Both times were a breath of fresh air and a break from reality. Highly recommend. I put on two things that I wear on repeat - a maxi slip skirt with an oversized sweater - hot tip, tuck the sweater into the band of your bra! (above) and black wide-leg jeans, with a fitted top and fun shoes (below).
On a day-to-day basis, I have been reaching for comfort pieces. I need to feel comfortable, but also - I need to change out of my PJs. For the sake of my own mental health, above all else, but also to remind myself that I am okay & I will be okay.
This sweater (La Ligne Marin Cardigan) is my comfort sweater. It is the sweater I reach for more than basically any other piece in my closet. It is as comfortable as my oldest, grungiest sweatshirt, but just makes me feel good. And of course, kick flares. I haven’t captured many pictures of my Donni Kick Flares - but I have been wearing them a lot - often with a sweatshirt and a jean shirt on top. Sweats, but not, you know?
Along the same lines - soft pants with lovely sweaters. Right now, my body is feeling best in non-hard pants on most days. And monochromatic - it’s an outfit that I don’t have to think about at all.
And of course, sometimes, you just really need a comfortable set of sweats. This is what has been on my body most of the time that I’ve been inside my home.
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Just dropping a note to say that so much of what you shared about dementia - the perpetual losing, the death-by-a-thousand-cuts of it all, even the shame… resonates. And made me feel less alone. Losing a beloved to this horrid disease is exhausting, infuriating, and just so devastating. Thank you for listening to that little inner voice that said, “share.” Community is everything and I hope this sharing brings you close to comfort and solidarity in an impossibly difficult time. Lots of love to you, your mom, and her entire community. ❤️
Thinking of you and your family Christina! 💙💙
I am impressed and inspired by you sharing what you are going through; there is often so much going on behind the scenes in everyone’s life but it can be hard to figure out how to authentically share about it while still wanting to share a fun fashion find. But you nailed this balance perfectly.
Sending my love.