A New Year Reminder for the Moms - You are a F$CKING GOOD MOM!!!
Why I don’t let myself subscribe to mom guilt and I don’t think you should either!! Plus, a few of my favorite things from 2024
Happy New Year! I started this essay right before the holidays, added to it in my notes app in bits and spurts, mostly while also luxuriating in the joy of having my 18 month old take a beach-side nap on my body for 6 days in a row (aka heaven!) and then got shy and nervous about sharing (is it a complete thought? Will it resonate? Will people think I’m a jerk for saying it out loud - maybe! have I glazed over a million nuances - I’m sure I have!)
In 2025, I’m trying to let go of my analysis paralysis tendencies, and focus on doing things and then learning from them afterwards - so, here we are. I hope you had a great holiday/end of year season. I’ve started my annual no-shop January, which I will be writing about all month - I’m documenting it in a series on Instagram, and many of you are joining in the fun — join our accountability group in the chat!
The holidays have come and gone. In a magical, stressful, wonderful, hard, and great blur. I imagine that most of us are back to work/school/activities/our regular routines. My kids had the time of their lives. We cooked and ate a million good meals. Opened a million gifts. Saw the lights and decorations.
In the days leading up to the holidays I posted a story on instagram with a caption that said, “Why am I panicked that I don’t have enough gifts for my kids while I also know my kids have so much and there are plenty of gifts and our house need no more toys, but I also went to two stores today and am wondering if I should try to run to the bookstore right now?”
I had talked about the sentiment that morning with the women I work out with, and they all agreed they were experiencing a similar duality - a constant pressure for more with a gut instinct that everything was good. I haven’t looked at analytics, but I would guess that it was one of my most-engaged-with stories this year.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, especially about how we second guess ourselves when we let pictures and stories and ideas we have in our mind (or, thrust in front of us in various ways online or in film/tv/the media) of how things should be influence the expectations that we have for ourselves and our families, and the instincts that we have about what is right for ourselves. Because the thing is, I KNEW that my kids would be thrilled with everything that we had ready to wrap up for Christmas. I knew it in my core. And now I know I was right, as I’m I’m still trying to figure out where we are going to physically put all the toys and crafts and various items that my kids have received over the holiday, and we’ve gone through a second round of identifying toys to donate.
There is always and forever discourse on the internet about parenthood and motherhood and the different ways people do both. The volume of mothering and parenting content on the internet is wild! And with the wide variety of content and resources and opportunities to relate to and connect with others who are experiencing or dealing with similar things, comes a path to the comparison game, unrealistic expectations, performative parenthood, and of course, the opportunity to criticize the way everyone else does things and call them a bad mom (or parent). I’ve noticed that this can become extremely intense (by this, I mean the comparison game), around busy times of year, or any holiday or school-year based milestone.
Many mothers that I admire and love to hear from talk about the mom guilt they experience, how when they feel like they are crushing it at work, they feel like they are failing at home, and vice versa. And talking about this is important - because I know that feeling of “not enough” is pervasive, and the opportunities for comparison are SO LARGE that it is very, very hard to not see how someone else is doing something, and not second guess whether what you are doing is right or enough. It’s important to see and relate to others out there who are experiencing/thinking/considering the same things as you - so, I think this content and this discussion is important.
But I want to share a little bit of a different take (and a message of encouragement for any mom or parent who might need it) — I don’t let myself hold on to mom guilt, think I am a bad mom, or that I am “failing” at motherhood. And I think you should do the same.
Don’t mistake this for me thinking that I am perfect, or faultless. Don’t mistake this for not thinking that I could do things better, that I have areas that I need to work on, learn more about or develop (there are many!) Don’t mistake this for never having doubts, or creeping thoughts that make me have questions (the Christmas story is an example!) But, when thoughts like this cross my mind, I work to both stop them in their tracks, and, when it makes sense, channel them into something much more productive than guilt.
Did I feel sad when my baby called our nanny mommy a couple weeks ago when she was leaving? Yes. Did I immediately text my mom friend chat to tell them what happened? But it never made me feel like I’m a bad mom.
Are there times when I think I could do something better? When it feels like the balance might be off or non-existent? When I wish I might have done something different? Sure. One hundred percent. But mom guilt? Feeling like a bad mom? No. I believe in myself, and am confident in my ability as a mom. I’m doing my best. I can figure anything out. I seek help or advice when I need to — I hope everyone can be cultivating this type of confidence in themselves (the collective experience sharing and relating we have via the internet should build us up!) And when reflections that I could have done something better, or that I have something more to learn, or to need to do something differently next time start to turn into something more than just reflections or thoughts, I know it’s time to stop the intrusive thoughts, and just focus on soaking up some quality time with my kids.
I fucking love my kids. I tell them every single chance I get. I apologize quickly and earnestly when I make mistakes. I give them room to feel how they are feeling, ask questions they need to ask, process and work things out on their own. I encourage them to have self confidence and feel proud of themselves. I care about being a good parent. I actively seek out advice when I need it.
Four years ago, right after I had my second child, I did a HUGE social media purge of all the “parenting expert accounts” and I no longer follow any - not even Dr. Becky who I love (I bought her book instead!). My decision was rooted not in the fact that I didn’t like this content, but rather that I needed to go and seek that content out when I needed it — when I had a specific question or wanted to look at ideas for how to handle something specific - I knew exactly where to go and could find what I needed. Otherwise, I didn’t need to be bombarded by information that was irrelevant at best and unwanted or unhelpful at worst (and, by the way, all packaged and presented in a way that is focused on getting your attention via views/saves/shares, and not necessarily on the best way to share an accurate piece of information!).
I recommend this to a lot of friends (especially in the early days)- the content isn’t going anywhere, if it’s not helping you, you don’t have to see it every day! I DO consume some parenting and mothering content on the internet (instagram or substack) — mostly from women who’s niches are broad, but include motherhood as it is core to who they are (
, , , ). I a) try to choose individuals that I generally relate to (in other words, don’t hate follow anyone), and b) consider what I see from them inspiration. In the same way I might see an outfit on instagram that looks amazing on someone else, but I would never wear it, I can see something that someone is doing or feeling in their own parenting experience and think “that’s great for them, but that doesn’t make sense to me” and not think any more about it.Thoughts and self-talk and beliefs are powerful. Think about all the new-year resolution and vision-boarding and manifestation content that you are seeing right now. Maybe it’s a little woo-woo for you, but there is truth in this. It is IMPORTANT to replace negative self-talk with positive language. The possibilities are endless when you speak to yourself in language routed in your belief that you can do anything, figure anything out, are exactly the parent that your kids need, that you have nothing to feel guilty about. (Just a quick note that I absolutely recognize that in some cases guilt or feelings of inadequacy around parenthood are the result of mental health issues and just thinking them away is not the answer - I’m not suggesting that this is a solution for everyone - in many cases more support or intervention may be needed to feel better about this, and I want everyone to get the support they need. I just want to share an example of someone else out here that is also bombarded with example of what “good moms” do of “perfect” parenthood, and even just things that others do that are totally different from what I/we do and actually thinks, “good for her, not for me” and is okay with that.)
The quality of your parenthood, support you provide for your kids is not measured by whether or not you work outside the home, the number of bedtimes you do each week, the hours you spend with your kids. It’s certainly not measured by how some other person that you may or may not know thinks you are doing or how they define “good.”
I truly believe that in the long term, what matters is showing and articulating love, communicating, apologizing when you make mistakes, teaching kindness, empathy, resilience, independence, critical thought, the ability to be whoever they want to be, the values that are important to your family. Does this require reps? Of course — ANYTHING you want to accomplish or be good at requires reps. Does it mean you have to do it perfectly every single time you do it to get to the outcome you want? Absolutely not. We also don’t have to do these things exactly the same way — there is more than one way to do all of this!
More importantly though, I want you to know that you are doing a fucking awesome job. You’re a great mom (or dad!). Be reflective and curious when you have questions or think you could do something differently or better, or even want to make a change - but slam the door on the thoughts of guilt that might threaten to creep in — If I was with you, I’d help you do it! XX
2024 was an intense year for me and my family. Lots of good things, and several hard and challenging things. I’m not going to do a big look back on the year here, I’ve been focused on doing some more personal reflection (and, like everyone else on the internet, working my way through Grace Clark’s personal annual planning template!) But I did have some things that brought me immense joy and pleasure this year, and I thought I would share them with you, for anyone who likes this type of thing!!
BOOKS.
I’m a bookworm, but in the last few months of the year I read less than I have in a while. Audiobooks kept me company while doing things around the house, prepping for holidays and doing some work tasks, but I miss physically reading a book or my Kindle. This year I’m prioritizing several nights a week where I get in bed early and read! Standout reads from the year for me include:
Big Swiss - by Jen Beagin
The Women - Kristin Hannah
God of the Woods - by Liz Moore
The Wedding People - Alison Espach
Our American Friend - Anna Pitoniak
The Whole Magnolia Parks Series - by Jessa Hastings
How to End a Love Story - by Yulia Huang
Funny Story - Emily Henry
The Rom-Commers - Katherine Center
Our Share of Night - Mariana Enriquez
Yellowface - RF Kuang
Summer Romance - Annabel Monaghan
BEAUTY.
I’m not a beauty expert but I am obsessed with a few things that I discovered this year.
Hanni Fatty Lotion Stick & Shave Set (and really all Hanni Products)
Innbeauty Project Extreme Cream (I use this daily, especially in the winter where my skin tends to go full lizard)
Sephora Eyebrow Gel - I brush & fill my brows basically every single day, and had been noticing that I needed something to make sure my brows stay in place + that the fill last all days. This makes a huge difference — keeps my brows brushed + filled and looking exactly they way I want them to throughout the whole day.
Ultraviolette sunscreen (has to be ordered from this company + this is pretty much the only product that you can ship by them, which is annoying but let me tell you that this is worth it!) Sun protection (made to EU standards) + glow, it’s amazing!
I focused on taking really good care of my hair this year, and figuring out exactly what my hair needs to look best. A lot of this is washing no more than 2x a week, minimizing the use of heat, brushing gently, using heat protectant (I don’t have a favorite, I buy from CVS) and being careful with clips/elastics/etc. But also, I discovered Roz Root Spray, Shampoo & Conditioner (I’m weirdly obsessed with a pump jar — why aren’t more shampoo & conditioners designed like that?!). For air dry days (especially in warm weather!), it’s the Crown Affair Leave in Conditioner & Air Dry Mousse. Plus, the towel shaves so much time off of how long it takes me to dry & style my hair!
CLOTHES.
Am I a bad fashion/style substacker for not wanting to look through everything I wore last year and pick favorite pieces and outfits? Ugh. I’m sorry but that is not something that is making me psyched right now. All I can think about is how I’m going to keep myself from going insane this winter, especially with how cold it’s been in the past few days. There are a few things that brought be a lot of joy (and also that are pretty heavy on the recency bias, just fyi!)
I discovered Else lingerie this year and I’m obsessed with their bras. It’s the first underwire, but non-padded bra that I love and I wear it most days. Not inexpensive, but makes you feel GOOD and is comfy too (PS matching bra and underwear - man, I have been missing out on that!)
Skims Underwear - for every other day, it’s these guys - I like the high waisted thong & briefs.
Rib Knit Kick Flares - Not new to this year, but I wear these all year round, on repeat.
Tuckernuck Nina Flats - I wanted Le Monde Beryl, but Tuckernuck delivered and I know you guys love these too. They’re just a simple, comfortable flat, but man is that sexy toe bed working overtime!!!
Rooni Necklaces - Beaded necklaces make me so happy, and Rooni is an artist!!
These gentle barrel leg jeans remain favorites!
THE OTHER THINGS THAT KEPT ME GOING.
Chaos Dinners - so grateful for our village of friends and their children who are always up to hang out and never worry about what our homes look like!
Sleepovers - Looking forward to even more of these this year!
Writing!!!
My new Job!!!
Getting back into a workout routine with a trainer & workout buddies who make me excited (okay, maybe too strong a word) to work out at 5:15AM
Realizing that I didn’t need to run 20 miles a week and that walking was JUST FINE (maybe better?)
Thank you so much for reading and being here.
My main goal for this newsletter in 2025 is to stay consistent with publishing here, and to write for myself and to add value for all of you. I hope we all continue to focus on getting dressed as a way to feel great, like our best selves, and like we can do whatever it is that we need to do on a given day. That’s what this newsletter is about — finding the joy, fun and excitement in getting dressed, providing inspiration and ideas through what I’m wearing, and recognizing personal style as core to our identities and how we move through the world. Remember — Getting dressed is self-care. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It definitely doesn’t mean you have to buy all new things. It just means taking the few minutes to put something on your body that makes you feel great, like you can do whatever you need to do on a given day, and doesn’t require a ton of thought. If there is anything you’d love to see here, for me to write about or tackle, or that you think I am missing that I should be thinking, please drop me a line!
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The positive self talk thing is HUGE. I try to practice this all around. I also unfollowed all parenting accounts a few years ago and try to trust my gut and follow the needs of my two VERY different kids. Thank you for sharing this - vulnerability always leads to the best writing 💕❤️
I love love love this. I also unfollowed most parenting accounts after having the same feelings! Also, every time I read your essays I wish we could meet in real life and be friends 😂 happy new year!!